Five Months

I can't believe it has been 5 months since we said goodbye to our precious baby boy!  Oh how things would be so different now if he had come (and stayed)...he'd be nearly a month old by now!  I try really hard NOT to think of the "what ifs?" because they put me down in the dumps.  I try to focus on all the good I have going on in my life right now and all the loving and caring people I am surrounded by every day.  My sister-in-law was described to me the other day by my mother-in-law as "just like you were, like a zombie"  I was a little set back by that description of myself during that time.  I tried so hard to put on my "big-girl pants" and be as cheerful as I emotionally could when other people were visiting after Isaiah was born.  I guess I probably was "like a zombie" I know I felt it, but I tried really hard for others not to see it, apparently not very well! 

Losing Isaiah and the previous baby were most literally the hardest thing emotionally and physically I have ever had to go through in my entire life thus far!  I pray I never have to do either of those ever again!  I pray every night for healthy children that I get to hold, love, and raise to old age!  I also pray that my sister-in-law has some sort of way (a person, a support group, etc.) to talk to and work through this grief.  It is possibly the most complicated kind of grief there is (if that makes sense).  It sucks every day that I never got to see him and hold him, kiss him and tell him that I loved him, while I was looking into his face.  We chose not to see him after he was born since he was so "disfigured".  We didn't want to remember him in that way, but I somehow feel like I missed out on something.  I am sure that my heart would have seen a beautiful baby boy that was beginning to look like his daddy, even if my eyes didn't.  My brother-in-law and sister-in-law held their little boy and had some pictures taken of his perfect, but too little, self.  They were able to kiss him and tell him goodbye, and in a way I feel as though I missed out and I feel a twinge of jealousy about that.  I know I shouldn't regret the decision we made, but every once in a while I can't help it! I know that I will see Isaiah again one day and he will be perfect and whole when I meet him and in my imagination, when I get to heaven he will forever be a small boy of maybe 5 years old.  He will know who I am the minute he sees me and he will have so much to tell me and I can't wait to hear all about the life he spent in heaven! I wish I could have gotten to keep him, but he is safe in Jesus' arms and that gives me peace.

Happy 5 month birthday Isaiah, mommy and daddy miss you everyday!

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