Thanksgiving

I am so very thankful for all that I have this Thanksgiving.  I have an amazing husband who loves me more than I probably know and I love him more than he probably knows.  We have a wonderful and glorious gift from God on her way and she couldn't be more perfect and healthy right now (10 weeks to go!)  We have a nice warm home, jobs, food, and many seemingly insignificant blessings that many are without this time of year.  We have an amazing family that has been by our side through probably the hardest year of our lives and we couldn't be more grateful.  It is easy to get bogged down in the tragedies of this past year and it can be really hard to find things for which to be thankful. 

I think for us it is easier to find things to be thankful for because we lost what could have been a terrific little man and with the grace of God we have been blessed to have another child within this same year as the tragedy that shook our world almost 10 months ago.  God is so amazing and has given Aaron and I the opportunity once again to be parents. 

We had an ultrasound today and Layla is a very chubby, healthy looking young lady!!  We can't wait to meet her, but she has a little more growing left to do!  We couldn't be more blessed this holiday season to have her on her way and add her to our family that has been through the ringer this past year!

Happy Thanksgiving All!

Layla Rae

She is still just perfect and growing and moving!!  How have we been so blessed this time?  I often wonder why? though....why didn't we get Isaiah, but we get Layla? Why one, but not the others?  I am so terribly excited that she is doing so well and that I get to meet her very soon, please don't find this to be a complaint, it is not.  I am still a grieving mother with fears and questions. 

We got pregnant with Layla just 2.5 months after Isaiah was born and her due date is just 4 days after Isaiah's first birthday (I don not believe in coincidences, but I do believe in divine intervention).  We knew we wanted children and it had been a bit of a struggle for us to get any of the pregnancies, it took nearly 4 years of "trying" on our own before we sought help and found the problem. We were young and not in a tremendous hurry the first few years.  After all that it took almost a year to conceive the first baby after we lost that baby, it took 6 months to get pregnant with Isaiah.  We were determined to be parents, we knew we could get pregnant and the doctors had given us no inclination that we couldn't do this on our own.  So we kept trying instead of searching out alternatives.  We discussed what we would do if it never happened for us naturally.  We would adopt. 

I am so lucky to have such an amazing husband who has been so supportive (sometimes glass half empty, but I can't blame him for that).  He has been to all but 2 appointments with me throughout all 3 pregnancies.  I had to go alone today and I have to admit I was a bit scared.  But on the drive over I had the radio on and could feel my little girl just dancing away so she was with me and she was able to comfort me this time when her daddy couldn't be with me!  I am so blessed and oh so thankful for all I have been given.  I am even thankful for the things that have been taken from me, it took me a while to get here, but I am.  God taught me an awful lot about myself through those trying times and it brought Aaron and I so much closer together. 

Praise Be To God!  None of this is possible without Him!

Something's Different This Time...

I don't know what it is about this pregnancy that has me less scared...well I think I do.  I have this overwhelming sense of calm this time, not always by any means, but 98% of the time I have no fears or worries about her making it here to be with us.  This is the first time things have been purchased to bring home a baby...we never even attempted this with either of the other pregnancies.  I wonder if God was somehow telling us to wait with the first 2 saying "don't buy anything that will make you sad when you don't bring this baby home..."  It would have torn me up to see a crib or clothes or something when I came home after having Isaiah or home from my D and C with Baby #1.  It was hard enough just seeing an empty room. 

This is such a different feeling in my heart, head, in my whole being.  We have her crib, dressers, clothes, car seat, and pack and play already (granted the clothes and pack and play were given by a very excited grandmother to be).  We are more than ready to meet her.  Aaron was putting together her dresser on Sunday and when he was done he looked at me and said "I am going to be beyond angry of something goes wrong this time, now that all this is done"  I looked at him and with the most confidence I have ever had said..."she's coming"  I just know God is going to let us keep her, I just know!  I feel her move around constantly, she is getting so active and strong.  She has a couple amazing guardian angels looking out for her and God has answered our prayers. 

"We prayed for this child and the Lord has granted us what we asked of Him.” – I Samuel 1:27

22 week 3 days :(

Okay, so today I am officially 22 weeks and 3 days pregnant, which is the exact amount of time I was blessed enough to carry Isaiah!!!  I have had a couple of emotional moments today, some sad and a one anger explosion!!  I know that Layla is doing so much better than her brother was at this point and I feel certain that she will grace us with her amazing presence in February.  However, with all the joy I feel for her and meeting her and loving her, I am still a grieving mother.  I have lost children, I have 2 children I will never see grow up.  I am so blessed to have been given another chance at creating a life beyond my own, but I miss the children I never met!  We go to the doctor tomorrow to have another check at Layla's anatomy...to make sure she is still a perfect gift from God, so I am trying not get myself down about today and I am trying to look towards the future, my future with my beautiful baby girl!

Friendship Group Meeting

The first meeting of the Faces of Loss Friendship Group in my area was last night.  Only one other babyloss mom showed.  We enjoyed a nice dinner at Brio and talked about our struggles and our babies.  She lost twin girls, she brought a picture book with pictures of her girls with herself and her husband...it was so precious.  I often wish I had seen my son.  I wish I had been able to see his face and tell him that I loved him and always will, even though he wouldn't have been alive when I saw or held him.  He knows I do, I tell him all the time.  I had an amazing time talking about him and listening to Jackie's story and struggle with emotions and infertility (I didn't enjoy listening to her struggle and pain, just that we had something in common and we could share with one another).  I have several members of my immediate family that I can talk to about all of these issues I have frequently and anytime I want.  But I have to say it was nice to have an "outsider" (outside my family) talk to me and listen and understand as only babyloss moms can.  I am blessed and thankful I have Lori, Lana, and Shannon in my family that I can openly talk to about my loss as they have been through it themselves.  Jackie wasn't as "lucky" (I say with quotes because I never wish this hardship on anyone...so there is no good really in this "luck").  She didn't have anyone close she could run to and talk to about every thought and feeling she was having. 

I left the dinner feeling as if I had made a new friend that I can share my emotional struggles with as well as the joys in our lives.  This was one of the very best groups I could have started/joined.  I am so blessed to have this in my life right now as I sometimes have sad days worrying about Layla...I worry about her making it to me like the others.  I know in my heart she is coming and will live her life with us and grow old with us!  I am so in love with her already I cannot imagine not getting to meet another baby.  She's coming, her big brother knows just how much we want her.  He knows how much we wanted him and his big brother or sister, but God had much bigger plans for them.  I am excited to meet with more babyloss moms and get more people to join and talk and have people in our lives who know exactly what we are going through!

Isaiah's baby sister

I've waited for quite some time to say anything on here and that is mainly the reason I have been staying away from here and not posting much in the past couple months.  Isaiah is going to be a big brother soon.  Layla Rae is due to enter this world just 4 days after Isaiah's first birthday.  This has been such a surreal experience this time.  The joy overwhelms the fear most of the time...but occasionally I get worried and stressed and wonder if I am actually going to get to look into her eyes and touch her.  Her original due date was the SAME day as Isaiah's birthday...that was NOT a coincidence, none of this is.  I believe he made it to Jesus and told him that his mommy and daddy are really sad and I think he asked Him to give us another gift, another baby.  Not every baby that is born gets and extra special angel in heaven, but mine does.  She has an angel that knows what mommy's heart feels and sounds like from inside. Her angel knows what mommy's voice sounds like.  Her angel knows the love and care mommy takes to keep her safe.  Her angel knows the love that both mommy and daddy still feel and will always feel. They already share so much. 

We have had many doctor appointments and everything is right on track and absolutely perfect.  She is going to make it, I just know it!  She is going to keep on our toes for the rest of our lives.  And she always has a big brother that will watch out for her every step of the way!

Isaiah, please take care of her while she is waiting to get here.  I am sure God has already told you what great plans he has for her, You are doing a great job taking care of her so far.  We love you and miss you everyday!

Meeting

I am planning the very first meeting of the Faces of Loss Friendship group that I started in my part of the world.  2 wonderful women who share the same sorrow I do will be meeting with me for dinner to talk about our babies!!  I am actually very excited about this....I am in a place now where I can talk about my losses and I would love to hear what other women have struggled with as well.  Hearing what other women have had to endure puts so many things in perspective.  I will update how the meeting goes, I am sure it will be amazing and wonderful to be with other women who share my feelings.

A Memory Collage of My Precious Boy

I requested to have a word collage made in memory of Isaiah recently and just received it.  It turned out beautifully.  I have made a nice little collage on the wall in what would have been his nursery of all the beautiful memorials I have had made in his memory.  I have included this one as well for you to see.  Courtesy of Abiding Hope Collages.

Mommy misses you every day! I love you!

Isaiah's Butterfly Footprints

I have to thank Butterfly Footprints for Isaiah's beautiful photo.  I sent in a couple months ago a photo of his tiny footprints and she turned them into a butterfly.  I think it turned out beautifully and my little "Isaiah art collage" is turning out amazing!

I miss him so much sometimes my heart literally aches!! I have faith and I know that one day we will be together again, but I can't stop thinking that he should be here with me, he'd be just over a month old!  God gives us challenges in our lives and it is up to us to learn and grow from those challenges.  It is up to us to decide how we are going to react to the challenge and what we can and will do to overcome it.  I don't think I will ever overcome this...I am just learning to live without my children!  I loved my first baby from the moment I knew I was carrying such a precious gift, and it pains me to say this, but I had so much more of a bond with Isaiah.  I knew him longer, I felt his movements, I heard his heart beating.  I feel guilty for having a closer bond with one more than the other, but I can't help how I feel!  Maybe I would feel differently if I had known the gender and could have named that baby.  I may never know if that would have helped.  I love both my babies and I hope they feel the same way about their mommy! 



Five Months

I can't believe it has been 5 months since we said goodbye to our precious baby boy!  Oh how things would be so different now if he had come (and stayed)...he'd be nearly a month old by now!  I try really hard NOT to think of the "what ifs?" because they put me down in the dumps.  I try to focus on all the good I have going on in my life right now and all the loving and caring people I am surrounded by every day.  My sister-in-law was described to me the other day by my mother-in-law as "just like you were, like a zombie"  I was a little set back by that description of myself during that time.  I tried so hard to put on my "big-girl pants" and be as cheerful as I emotionally could when other people were visiting after Isaiah was born.  I guess I probably was "like a zombie" I know I felt it, but I tried really hard for others not to see it, apparently not very well! 

Losing Isaiah and the previous baby were most literally the hardest thing emotionally and physically I have ever had to go through in my entire life thus far!  I pray I never have to do either of those ever again!  I pray every night for healthy children that I get to hold, love, and raise to old age!  I also pray that my sister-in-law has some sort of way (a person, a support group, etc.) to talk to and work through this grief.  It is possibly the most complicated kind of grief there is (if that makes sense).  It sucks every day that I never got to see him and hold him, kiss him and tell him that I loved him, while I was looking into his face.  We chose not to see him after he was born since he was so "disfigured".  We didn't want to remember him in that way, but I somehow feel like I missed out on something.  I am sure that my heart would have seen a beautiful baby boy that was beginning to look like his daddy, even if my eyes didn't.  My brother-in-law and sister-in-law held their little boy and had some pictures taken of his perfect, but too little, self.  They were able to kiss him and tell him goodbye, and in a way I feel as though I missed out and I feel a twinge of jealousy about that.  I know I shouldn't regret the decision we made, but every once in a while I can't help it! I know that I will see Isaiah again one day and he will be perfect and whole when I meet him and in my imagination, when I get to heaven he will forever be a small boy of maybe 5 years old.  He will know who I am the minute he sees me and he will have so much to tell me and I can't wait to hear all about the life he spent in heaven! I wish I could have gotten to keep him, but he is safe in Jesus' arms and that gives me peace.

Happy 5 month birthday Isaiah, mommy and daddy miss you everyday!

Beautiful Artwork Honoring Isaiah

Thank You to Sparrow Farm Creations for creating this beautiful print for Isaiah.  It turned out better than I pictured in my head.  Sparrow Farm Creations does this free of charge for baby loss parents and it is an amazing memorial and the woman who makes these has an awesome talent.  Thanks again, our little wall "shrine" for Isaiah is coming together nicely.  Everything I have made for him goes on the wall in the bedroom that would have been his nursery and will remain there until we move.  When other children are introduced into this family, they will have their big brother in their room with them watching over them always.

His Name in the Sand

While looking for ways to memorialize our son, I found a website through the Faces of Loss website called "To write their names in the sand".  I sent a request and waited for the artist to post the picture and I finally ordered the photo for myself and my family!  It turned out beautifully.  The names are written in Australia at sunset....all the names written are beautiful, but I find Isaiah's especially beautiful!



Conner Eugene Dennison

Conner Eugene Dennison was born sleeping today June 22, 2011.  He weighed just 1 pound 3 ounces and was 11 inches long.  Our little nephew that we will never meet in this life.  We miss you already. 

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

Dear Conner,

Aunt Kiley and Uncle Aaron hope that when you opened you eyes for the first time in heaven you saw the Lord.  We also hope that you are playing with our son, your cousin, Isaiah and his brother or sister and enjoying your time together waiting for each of your mommys and daddys to get there to see you.  We loved you the minute we knew about you and you will forever be a part of our lives and our story as our nephew.  We will miss you and cherish the memory of you always.

Love, Aunt Kiley and Uncle Aaron

Baby Dennison

Today we learned that our nephew passed away sometime over this past weekend.  He was 23 weeks along and his heart stopped and his mommy couldn't feel him move anymore.  They are so heartbroken and I know exactly the range of emotions they are going through at this time.  It is a terrible kind of grief when you don't even get the chance to meet your baby.  I can't think if much else since I learned the news.  He was so loved already in his short life, his mommy and daddy truly will never be the same without him.  I hope that what I have been through allows me the ability to be the kind of help and comfort they need.  It is so tough to know what to say to them, because anything you hear is not good enough and doesn't bring your baby back! 

♥ ‎”There is, I am convinced, no picture that conveys in all its dreadfulness, a vision of sorrow, despairing, remediless, supreme. If I could paint such a picture, the canvas would show only a woman looking down at her empty arms.” -Charlotte Bronte

♥ ‎”If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.”

We will miss you baby boy.  I hope and pray that our children have met each other in heaven and will have great stories to tell us one day when we all get to reunite with them!

Happy Father's Day

Happy Father's Day to my wonderful husband.  Even though he doesn't have a child to hold today or to tell him that he is a great dad...he knows that one day when he gets to meet them they will tell him that and he will get to hold them!

We are going to enjoy this day together while remembering our children!

Viva Las Vegas

So tomorrow morning we leave for our first real vacation to Las Vegas!  We have only been on vacation with Aaron's family and we never had a honeymoon.  We splurged on a 4 day trip to Vegas after Isaiah's death, mostly to be away on the day he was due, but Aaron had finals to finish...so we were delayed a week! 

We are getting our vows renewed while we are out there since that is where we wanted to get married in the first place (but we were overruled by some grandparents).  We need the time away to be with one another, beacuse with work and school we see each other only once a week.  Some relaxing by the pool and sleeping in each morning will give us the break we need.  Most importantly, we will be together, just the two of us, for a change!

I will post pictures after we get back!

Today we would have met you...

Dear Isaiah,

Today is the day you were due to come met us.  This day will only come now when daddy and I make it to heaven.  We miss you every single day and we wish more than anything that things would have turned out so much differently.  We know you are with the Lord, your older brother or sister, daddy's grandma, and mommy's grandpa, I know they are keeping close watch over you.  I hope you like it there and I hope you aren't too sad that you never got to meet us.  We are trying really hard not to be too sad that we didn't get to meet you the way we planned, we are looking forward to meeting you in heaven.

We love you little man...

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared beneath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Holding you I held everything
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go (The Dance-Garth Brooks)

Nice Weather Equals Some Peace

Recently I moved our bedroom furniture around and put our bed right under the window.  This morning I woke up and opened the window and laid there listening to the (temporary) quiet of my neighborhood like the birds chirping and the breeze blowing through the trees.  The sun was shining in and all I wanted to do was lay there in that perfect sense of peace and never get up from that moment.  I didn't stay there, it is too nice out to be lying around in my pj's all day.  I am going to try and enjoy this day outside. 


I find it peaceful when the weather is perfect like this.  I feel like without all the clouds and drizzle and dreariness Isaiah can see me through the clear blue sky and enjoy the day with me.  He can see us when we take the dog for a walk.  In a perfect world he'd almost be here (2 weeks) and he could actually enjoy those walks with us shortly after his arrival.  But plans change. 


Tomorrow we are going to the garden center to pick some things up for the yard and I think maybe we should get a little tree or something to plant in Isaiah's honor.  Something I can dig up and take with me when we move.  I have already picked the perfect place for it. I can put the stepping stone that was given to me by my best friend, Holly under it that has a simple little prayer on it.  We were going to use it at the cemetery to place on top of where we buried him, but I thought maybe it was too big.  And I kind of wanted to keep it with me to put in my flower beds where ever I am for the rest of my life. 


Well, I am off to try and enjoy this day in peace with my dog, maybe throw in some shopping for a little added fun...gotta find some things for our trip to Vegas in 3 weeks!!

Support Anyone?

Today I started my new "project"!!  I am so excited about this.  I have joined the Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope team and started a pregnancy and infant loss support group!!  I can't wait to get the ball rolling on this so I can share my story with women in my community to get support from them and give them support when they share their stories!  I have a facebook page devoted to this group/cause (search Faces of Loss-Gahanna/Columbus on facebook)!!

I need something to throw myself into and get seriously involved in.  And in my time of need and grief, I think this is the perfect way to manage and heal my broken heart and offer my support to other women in my community suffering the same plight.  Or those that have suffered this loss in their lives.  It doesn't matter how long ago a women lost her child, if she wants to join and share her story, she is more than welcome!

I have a great support network of family and friends and I look to expand that with women who have experienced the same!

First Mother's Day??

Well, I knew this day was going to be hard on me, but I have been pleasantly surprised.  I guess staying at home and away from any of the Mother's Day festivities, including those at church, have made it easier to cope with.  I probably shouldn't be hiding, but I just wanted to be alone today.  I would be celebrating my first mother's day with a 7 month old boy or girl (gender unknown and not named).  I lost that baby in March 2010.  We did get pregnant again the following September and I could be celebrating my first Mother's Day as an 8 month pregnant momma-to-be.  But, Isaiah David was born and passed on Feb 2, 2011, he was born prematurely due to a fatal birth defect. 

So I sit here, a mother nonetheless, without either of her children on Mother's Day.  I am constantly searching for quotes, prayers, and/or books to read to help me cope with this heartbreaking grief I feel and I came across a little prayer today.  It made me cry for a moment (as most things do these days) until I realized just how lucky my children are right now, even though they aren't with me.

Dear Lord,
I would have loved to have held my babies in my lap and told them about You, but since I didn't get that chance, would You please hold them in You lap and tell them about me?

This helps me realize that God is holding my babies and loving them every single day just as I would.  I know they are watching me struggle through my Mother's Day and I hope they wish they could be with me today too. I hope they understand that my tears are for the sadness I feel for never having met them, held, them, or kissed them.  But, more than any of that, I hope that Isaiah and his brother or sister are together being taken care of by the Lord.