Feeling So Grateful & Sad at the Same Time

Yesterday afternoon I got a text from my sister-in-law and she asked if I knew Joe Clime.  I said yeah he is a couple years younger than me.  She said her and the ladies she works with were talking about him...his baby had passed away the day before at the babysitters from SIDS.  I instantly felt sick to my stomach and wanted to throw up.  I worry every single time I lay Layla down for a nap or at night that she may stop breathing and die from the same thing.  I am sure this is a fear a lot of mothers have about their newborn children. 

I felt so much sadness for their family.  I know I had a bad year last year from losing my son and another baby the previous year, so I can imagine their pain.  I cannot imagine though having only 5 months with my baby girl only to lose her so suddenly.  I hate that they are dealing with such a tremendous amount of grief...

At the same time, I find myself staring into my daughters eyes and being so grateful that God has kept her so perfectly healthy and that he gave her to us at all.  I found myself crying yesterday and once today because I feel guilty.  Guilty for having ever been frustrated with her for being fussy or not staying asleep.  I feel bad for getting upset that she woke me up or only let me sleep for just 2 hours before waking me up.  I look back and think "what an idiot...those are moments to cherish, moments you can never get back, moments you got to have cuddling and comforting your daughter"  I feel so guilty for having these feelings of frustration and anger.  They don't get those moments with heir little boy anymore and I hopefully have plenty more.  I vowed last night a vow of patience and peace, I will not complain for having to get up in the middle of the night with my precious girl to comfort or rock her.  It should be all my pleasure to do that with her and I am going to enjoy every second I get to do those things with her.

Rest in the Peace and Comfort of God's Arms, Caysen Joseph Clime!


2 Weeks Left

I only have 2 weeks left until I have to head back to my full-time outside of the home job!!  I am a Teller Team Leader at a branch office of a bank.  My office is literally just 3 minutes from my house and the babysitter is in between my home and work.  She is a retired lady that used to live next door to us.  I am excited to have my mom come down (she lives an hour and half north of us) once a week to keep her too.  She will stay at our house when my mom is here.  I am dreading that first day back to work if only because I am going to miss my baby girl.  But also because I will have so much work and emails and stuff to do when I get back to work.  I am not excited about all that but on a positive note all that work will make my time away from Layla go that much faster and I will get through my "workday" quickly. 

I am lucky to have so many wonderful people in my life that can watch my little angel at the drop of a hat and family that would drive and hour and a half just to help us out.  We are going to the babysitters home tonight to talk about payment and schedules and it makes this going back tot he working world thing feel so real and so soon.  These next 2 weeks are going to go by so quick and I need to spend as much quality time with my girl until then.

Look at this beautiful face...How will I ever be able to leave her????


I'm Back and We are Changing!

Well it has been an interesting few months here in my life, in my family, and in my home. I am back to blogging and am going to try and make the effort to blog at least 2 times weekly if not more.  I have a busy life with a new baby (2 months old) and my husband and I both work full-time (I don't go back to work until May 7th from maternity leave and I dread that day already) and Aaron is a full-time student.  He went back to school nearly 2 years ago to maintain a bachelors degree in middle child education for science and social studies and achieve a minor in history.  He is an amazing student and works hard to get good grades among all the other activities and responsibilities he has. 

We are trying to adopt a schedule that works for everyone in the house... it is not easy getting a baby to do what you want her do and when you want her to do it.  :)  She is the joy of our life  as we have had a few disappointments you could say in the past couple years.  Life is trending up and we are excited about how things are changing and moving forward for us. 

When I say we are changing I mean the blog...it will no longer be a blog of sadness and grief but one about our family, I will continue to mention my babies I don't get to hold and love on because I still miss both of them every single day.  But in an effort to move forward and not overshadow the joy our daughter brings to our life with the grief we clouded our life with for months and months, I am changing the tone of this blog to a joyous and grateful one.  I look forward to sharing our journey as a family with you all...until next time!  :)