Feeling So Grateful & Sad at the Same Time

Yesterday afternoon I got a text from my sister-in-law and she asked if I knew Joe Clime.  I said yeah he is a couple years younger than me.  She said her and the ladies she works with were talking about him...his baby had passed away the day before at the babysitters from SIDS.  I instantly felt sick to my stomach and wanted to throw up.  I worry every single time I lay Layla down for a nap or at night that she may stop breathing and die from the same thing.  I am sure this is a fear a lot of mothers have about their newborn children. 

I felt so much sadness for their family.  I know I had a bad year last year from losing my son and another baby the previous year, so I can imagine their pain.  I cannot imagine though having only 5 months with my baby girl only to lose her so suddenly.  I hate that they are dealing with such a tremendous amount of grief...

At the same time, I find myself staring into my daughters eyes and being so grateful that God has kept her so perfectly healthy and that he gave her to us at all.  I found myself crying yesterday and once today because I feel guilty.  Guilty for having ever been frustrated with her for being fussy or not staying asleep.  I feel bad for getting upset that she woke me up or only let me sleep for just 2 hours before waking me up.  I look back and think "what an idiot...those are moments to cherish, moments you can never get back, moments you got to have cuddling and comforting your daughter"  I feel so guilty for having these feelings of frustration and anger.  They don't get those moments with heir little boy anymore and I hopefully have plenty more.  I vowed last night a vow of patience and peace, I will not complain for having to get up in the middle of the night with my precious girl to comfort or rock her.  It should be all my pleasure to do that with her and I am going to enjoy every second I get to do those things with her.

Rest in the Peace and Comfort of God's Arms, Caysen Joseph Clime!

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