Nice Weather Equals Some Peace

Recently I moved our bedroom furniture around and put our bed right under the window.  This morning I woke up and opened the window and laid there listening to the (temporary) quiet of my neighborhood like the birds chirping and the breeze blowing through the trees.  The sun was shining in and all I wanted to do was lay there in that perfect sense of peace and never get up from that moment.  I didn't stay there, it is too nice out to be lying around in my pj's all day.  I am going to try and enjoy this day outside. 

I find it peaceful when the weather is perfect like this.  I feel like without all the clouds and drizzle and dreariness Isaiah can see me through the clear blue sky and enjoy the day with me.  He can see us when we take the dog for a walk.  In a perfect world he'd almost be here (2 weeks) and he could actually enjoy those walks with us shortly after his arrival.  But plans change. 

Tomorrow we are going to the garden center to pick some things up for the yard and I think maybe we should get a little tree or something to plant in Isaiah's honor.  Something I can dig up and take with me when we move.  I have already picked the perfect place for it. I can put the stepping stone that was given to me by my best friend, Holly under it that has a simple little prayer on it.  We were going to use it at the cemetery to place on top of where we buried him, but I thought maybe it was too big.  And I kind of wanted to keep it with me to put in my flower beds where ever I am for the rest of my life. 

Well, I am off to try and enjoy this day in peace with my dog, maybe throw in some shopping for a little added fun...gotta find some things for our trip to Vegas in 3 weeks!!


Support Anyone?

Today I started my new "project"!!  I am so excited about this.  I have joined the Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope team and started a pregnancy and infant loss support group!!  I can't wait to get the ball rolling on this so I can share my story with women in my community to get support from them and give them support when they share their stories!  I have a facebook page devoted to this group/cause (search Faces of Loss-Gahanna/Columbus on facebook)!!

I need something to throw myself into and get seriously involved in.  And in my time of need and grief, I think this is the perfect way to manage and heal my broken heart and offer my support to other women in my community suffering the same plight.  Or those that have suffered this loss in their lives.  It doesn't matter how long ago a women lost her child, if she wants to join and share her story, she is more than welcome!

I have a great support network of family and friends and I look to expand that with women who have experienced the same!


First Mother's Day??

Well, I knew this day was going to be hard on me, but I have been pleasantly surprised.  I guess staying at home and away from any of the Mother's Day festivities, including those at church, have made it easier to cope with.  I probably shouldn't be hiding, but I just wanted to be alone today.  I would be celebrating my first mother's day with a 7 month old boy or girl (gender unknown and not named).  I lost that baby in March 2010.  We did get pregnant again the following September and I could be celebrating my first Mother's Day as an 8 month pregnant momma-to-be.  But, Isaiah David was born and passed on Feb 2, 2011, he was born prematurely due to a fatal birth defect. 

So I sit here, a mother nonetheless, without either of her children on Mother's Day.  I am constantly searching for quotes, prayers, and/or books to read to help me cope with this heartbreaking grief I feel and I came across a little prayer today.  It made me cry for a moment (as most things do these days) until I realized just how lucky my children are right now, even though they aren't with me.

Dear Lord,
I would have loved to have held my babies in my lap and told them about You, but since I didn't get that chance, would You please hold them in You lap and tell them about me?

This helps me realize that God is holding my babies and loving them every single day just as I would.  I know they are watching me struggle through my Mother's Day and I hope they wish they could be with me today too. I hope they understand that my tears are for the sadness I feel for never having met them, held, them, or kissed them.  But, more than any of that, I hope that Isaiah and his brother or sister are together being taken care of by the Lord.